


There Might be Something in the Water...

by LulaMadison



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Gen, Magic, Magical Accidents, Spell Failure, Spells & Enchantments
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-10-07 09:11:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17363189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LulaMadison/pseuds/LulaMadison
Summary: A fill forthis Promptfrom 2013.Set after the first Avengers film.Thor asks Tony for help with a spell to bring Loki home after he escapes from the dungeons of Asgard. It all goes horribly wrong.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been digging into my old, unfinished fanfic folder again!
> 
> I started writing this in 2013, then left it abandoned until this year, so it's AU for every film after The Avengers in 2012, but some vague references to later films may sneak in there ;-)

Tony sighed gently as he stood behind the bar in the Tower living room, enjoying the peace after a busy day of rescuing New York from the clutches of yet another wannabe supervillain.

Since Loki's attack three months earlier he'd lost count of the number of crime bosses and disgruntled scientists who'd suddenly decided to take revenge on the world in the most outlandish way possible, but finally, after hours of working during a stifling heatwave to close a portal in Times Square that was opened by rogue physicist with a grudge against his boss, he had some time to himself, and he was ready to celebrate with a quiet drink.

“I require assistance,” Thor announced loudly, as he barged into the room.

“Holy shit!” Tony shouted, almost dropping the bottle. “Next time can you please give a guy a warning that you're about to shout, or like, on _Earth_ at all.”

“My apologies, Stark, but I need your help to create something, and I can think of none more qualified than you.”

“Well, now you're talking,” Tony said, as he moved from behind the bar. “What are we creating? Artificial intelligence? Robots?”

“I need your help with some spell work,” Thor replied.

Tony frowned at Thor for a second, then asked, “You do know there's a dictionary on that phone I gave you, right?”

Thor laughed. “No, Stark, an ancient Vaniir magical spell. I found it hidden away in the library on Asgard, but it requires two to perform the ritual successfully.”

“Magic?” Tony asked. “You think _I_ can do magic?”

“Magic and science are one and the same, and I can think of none more accomplished than you in this field.”

“Well, in that case I am 100% your guy,” Tony said as he clapped Thor on the back. “So what are we doing? Conjuring something?”

“It's a spell to summon Loki,” Thor replied with a beaming smile.

“But Loki is locked up in a cell on Asgard, right?”

“Oh, no, Loki escaped many moons ago, and I've been searching for him ever since, but I need worry no longer, as now we have the means to bring him home,” Thor said, smiling broadly.

“I take it back,” Tony said. “I am 100% _NOT_ your guy.”

“Why not?” Thor asked, his brow furrowing.

“Um, because I'd really like to keep Loki as _far_ away from me as possible, so summoning him here, to my house which has all these huge windows he could potentially throw me through, yeah, but _no._ ”

“But I thought you liked Loki?”

Tony raised his eyebrows and asked, “What on earth gave you the impression that I _liked_ him?”

“You offered Loki a drink in your home,” Thor said lowly as he stepped closer. “Do you wish to renege on your offer of hospitality, Stark?”

“No, _no_...” Tony said, taking a nervous step back. “Loki is totally welcome here.”

“Excellent news,” Thor said, placing his hands on Tony's shoulders. “So you can prepare the fire, collect some Basil, African Violet, and some Lavender, and I shall get the tongue of a dragon.”

“Uhhh... _OK,_ ” Tony replied.

Thor walked towards the door to the landing platform, and said, “Thank you, Stark! You won't regret this.”

Tony stood and watched as Thor started to spin his hammer and took off into the air, and said, “Yeah, I think I already do.”

 

* 

  
“He wants to do _what?_ ” Clint shouted, as the Avengers sat round the table in a hastily arranged meeting.

“He wants to use magic to bring Loki here,” Tony replied.

“And you said no, right?” Natasha asked.

“We _ll_...” Tony said.

“Oh my god, you _agreed_ to it?” Clint said.

“Have you ever tried saying no to Thor?” Tony asked. “He's huge, and his muscles are filled with electricity!”

“I thought Loki was locked up,” Bruce said quietly.

“Escaped, apparently,” Tony said, with a shrug of the shoulders.

“And Asgard didn't even tell us?!” Clint exclaimed.

“We need to calm down and come up with a plan,” Steve said. “If Thor is bringing Loki here we need to be ready to contain him, because I can't see him reacting well to this.”

“What about the cell on the Hellicarrier?” Natasha asked.

“That got toasted when Loki dropped it with Thor inside. It was the only one we had,” Tony said. “And besides, if Thor is going to all the trouble of getting a dragon's tongue, do you really think he's going to agree to have Loki locked up after that?”

“This is like my worst nightmare come true,” Clint said as he paced the room.

“Really?” Tony asked. “I'm kinda looking forward to it.”

“You're _what?_ ” Clint shrieked.

“Come on _nnn_ ,” Tony said. “You're saying if someone offered you the chance to be Harry Potter for one night you wouldn't take it?”

“Exactly how many Harry Potter books have you read, Tony?” Natasha asked.

“Well, none of them,” Tony said. “But you guys are just jealous that you haven't been invited to be a wizard.”

Natasha groaned, then said, “You would totally be in Slytherin.”

“That's a compliment, right?” Tony asked.

“Not exactly,” Bruce replied.

  
*

  
It had taken exactly three days for Thor to return with the bleeding, torn out tongue of a dragon, and another six hours, and 12 pitchers of ale for him to animatedly describe the great quest where he had slain the mighty beast, but finally, as night began to draw in, he solemnly announced that it was time to begin the ritual.

“You do know Pepper is going to kill you when she finds out, right?” Natasha asked, as they huddled round the fire pit Tony had installed in living room for the night.

“Ah-ah-ah! Don't!” Tony said, waggling a finger at one of the bots who was edging closer with a fire extinguisher, then he turned to Natasha, “And what Pepper doesn't know won't hurt her.”

“Oh, that's _right_ , they don't show _any_ news about America on TV in London, do they?” Natasha said sarcastically. “It's going to come as such a surprise to her when she steps off the plane at JFK, and finds out Loki tried to destroy New York again.”

“My bother will not be in the mood to destroy,” Thor said, as he added herbs to the bubbling cauldron. “The spell ensures that his mind will be calm, and that he can harm none.”

“And you can guarantee that?” Steve asked.

“Oh, yes,” Thor said, and then he quietly added. “Provided Stark gets his parts of the spell right.”

“We are _so_ dead,” Clint said.

“Hey!” Tony exclaimed. “I'm sitting _right_ here.”

“Exactly,” Clint said sarcastically. “And did you have to wear _that?_ ”

“What _tttt?_ ” Tony asked, as he pulled at his hooded bathrobe. “I'm just getting into the spirit of things. Oh and while were on the subject of spirit, JARVIS, play track 11 on my new playlist, please.”

“As you wish, sir,” Jarvis replied, and the room was filled with the spooky sounds of ghosts wailing and Theremin music.

“Tony!” Steve shouted.

“I'm just setting the scene!” Tony said, with a grin.

“Quiet,” Thor said earnestly. “We are ready to begin.”

Thor added the dragon's tongue to the cauldron, and then pulled out a hairbrush, plucked a single strand of hair from it, and stirred it into the strong smelling concoction.

“Is it my imagination, or does Dragon tongue, hair, and herbs actually smell quite appetising?” Tony asked.

Clint rolled his eyes, then clambered up from the circle, and moved across the room, where he plucked an arrow from his holster and fitted it to his bow string in preparation for Loki's appearance.

Thor handed a piece of parchment to Tony, and as he pointed at the sections he said, “I'll tell you when to speak, but this part here you say alone. This part here we say together.”

“Um, that's kinda not in English,” Tony said as he scanned his eyes over the text.

“All will be well, Stark,” Thor said. “The language is Vaniir, which you would not be able to read, so I have transcribed the spell into short simple phrases, which if spoken correctly should accomplish the task.”

“OK, OK,” Tony said, scanning the parchment. “I think I can manage that.”

“Tonight I summon the spirits,” Thor began. “I pray to the ancestors to hear my plea. I ask you to calm his mind, to bring him peace, and to bring Loki home to me.”

The darkness in the room seemed to intensify, then the fire in the pit began to grow brighter as a stillness fell across the tower, and Tony held a hand up to the slowly approaching bot.

Thor began to speak once more, in a language the Avengers didn't understand, and they looked between each other, staring to feel slightly creeped out by the magical atmosphere.

“It is your turn to speak now, Stark,” Thor said.

“All right, here goes,” Tony said.

Tony held up the parchment, and stiltedly read:

“Jeg ber til for fed ren,  
Ven ligst hor min an bring else.  
Jeg ber deg om a roe sinnet hans,  
a bringe ham fred,  
og a bringe ham hem til meg.”

“Who the hell is Meg?” Tony laughed.

“Stark, if you ruin this spell there will be consequences,” Thor said angrily.

“ _Geez_ , get a sense of humour, Thor,” Tony said.

Thor silently pointed at the last section of the parchment, and began to speak, and Tony did his best to join in.

“Hor meg gamle Ander,  
og ak sceptre den knee na dig ee gay ven,  
som jeg na tar i meg selv.  
Venn lig st gi min fore spors el.”

Thor dipped a cup into the cauldron, and took a hearty gulp from it, then passed it onto Tony.

Tony blew on it to clear the steam, then took a sip of the hot liquid, and immediately spit it on the floor, shouting, “Oh my god, Loki's hair is in my mouth! It's IN MY _MOUTH!_ ”

To the right of the cauldron green sparks started to form out of thin air, and as the Avengers scrambled backwards across the room, Thor grabbed Tony's arm, pulled him into a tight hug, and said, “Look, the spell is successful! Loki will be here any second!”

The green sparks expanded into a flash of bright light, and Loki stood in the room, unmoving.

Clint raised his bow and fired an arrow straight at Loki's face, but the god caught the arrow just millimetres from his eye, and said, “Now, now. This is not a toy. You shouldn't be playing with it indoors.”

“Brother, how do you feel?” Thor asked, as he edged closer.

“All is well,” Loki replied calmly, as he stood with a slightly glazed look in his eye.

“Were you fighting someone when we summoned you?” Thor asked, looking down at Loki's armour and the unidentifiable goo caked all over it.

“Oh dear,” Loki said as he held up the dripping knife in his hand, as if he had just realised he was holding it. “I'm getting blood on the carpet.” Then he turned to Tony, and asked, “Where do you keep the cleaning materials?”

“Uhhh...” Tony said. “In the kitchen, in the cabinet under the sink.”

“Thank you,” Loki said, then he strode quickly from the room, followed by Thor.

“Do you think we should go after them?” Tony asked.

“Why don't _you_ go after them?” Natasha said. “This is your fault.”

“Hmmmm,” Tony said, tilting his head. “I think they'll be fine.”

Loki strode back into the room, his cape flowing behind him, carrying a bucket of soapy water and a scrubbing brush, his knife seemingly abandoned somewhere.

He walked over to the blood covered carpet, got down on his hands and knees, and started scrubbing at the stain.

“What the hell is going on?” Clint asked, narrowing his eyes. “Is this a trick?”

“Oh dear,” Loki said as he leaned back and looked at the black stains his knees had left on the cream carpet. “I must have had entrails on my armour. This simply will not do.”

“I am not sure,” Thor said, as Loki waved his hand, and his armour changed into a soft black and green tunic and matching trousers, then started scrubbing at the black stains. “I must return to Asgard and discuss this with out mother. She understands spell work far better than me, and should be able to help.”

“Wait, wait!” Steve exclaimed, as Thor started walking towards the door to the landing pad. “You can't just leave him here. If he attacks us we'll need your help.”

“Fear not, my friends,” Thor said. “Loki is strongly under the influence of the spell, and no harm will come to you.”

As Thor took off from the landing pad outside, Loki stood up and admired the clean carpet, and then turned towards Tony. He gazed at him for a while, causing Tony to swallow loudly, then he asked. “Are you all right, darling? You seem stressed.”

“ _What?_ ” Tony asked.

“Come, come,” Loki said, as he began to walk towards him, and Tony shot backwards until he collided with the sofa, and ended up sprawled across the cushions. “That's right, you've had a long day at work, so sit and relax, while I make you a nice cup of tea.”

As Loki vanished from the room again, Clint turned to Tony and said, “What _have_ you done?”

“I didn't do anything,” Tony said.

“You brought him here!” Clint shouted back. “You better suit up, because we are not handling this.”

“I'm pretty sure Thor will be back soon,” Tony said, then nervously added, “I hope.”

“Can we even contain him?” Steve asked.

“I have a secured room, with full surveillance,” Tony said.

“Has it got the ability to block magic?” Natasha asked.

“Yeah, well... probably not,” Tony replied.

“So in other words he's free to kill us all until Thor gets back,” Clint whispered.

Loki strode back into the room, carefully carrying a cup and gently sat down next to Tony, and as he offered out the steaming cup he said, “Here you go, darling. Herbal tea. Guaranteed to calm the nerves.”

“Thanks, dear,” Tony said, as he took the cup and sipped from it.

“Don't drink that!” Steve shouted.

“What?” Tony asked. “I am _really_ stressed right now and could use a good cup of tea.”

“It could be poisoned,” Natasha said. “I'd put the poison in the tea. So I'm pretty sure he would too.”

Tony spat the tea out on the floor, and said, “Oh shit!”

“Is the tea not to your tastes, darling?” Loki asked, as he sat next to Tony, and gently stroked his hair.

“Guys...” Tony said, as he nervously eyed Loki. “Little help here?”

“Nah,” Clint said. “I think you've got this.”

Loki suddenly scanned the room, and said, “Little ones, it is awfully late, and long past your bedtimes.”

“And _dddd_ that's my cue to leave,” Natasha said.

“Wait!” Tony said. “You're going to bed and leaving me here with _him?_ ”

“More like leaving the state,” Natasha replied, and as she left the room she said, “Good luck.”

“Seriously?” Tony asked.

“I'm with her,” Clint said, as he followed Natasha out.

“You're with me, right guys?” Tony asked, perching nervously on the edge of the sofa, as Loki continued to stroke his hair.

“I'm not really comfortable with this,” Bruce said nervously. “But I'll stick around, just in case you need the other guy.”

“We need to find somewhere to put him till Thor gets back,” Steve said, as he watched Loki stroke Tony's hair.

  
*

  
With Loki safely stowed away in one of the guest bedrooms, Jarvis on full surveillance duty, and Steve and Bruce both guarding the room, Tony finally settled into bed.

“You'll wake me if anything happens, right?” Tony asked, nervously.

“Absolutely,sir,” Jarvis replied. “I am monitoring the room for signs of movement and any magical activity.”

“OK,” Tony replied. “I'm gonna try to get some sleep now.”

“Very well, sir,” Jarvis replied, and dimmed the lights to almost darkness.

After half an hour of tossing and turning Tony finally started to relax, and came to the conclusion that he wasn't about to be stabbed to death in his own bed. He was just starting to drift off when he felt the mattress dip.

“Goodnight, darling,” Loki said as he laid next to Tony, then he leaned over and kissed the side of his head.

Tony gripped the bed sheets, pulled them up to his nose, and let out a small whimper.


	2. Chapter 2

_“Jarvisssss,”_ Tony whispered, as the early morning light began to creep through the curtains and illuminate Loki's face.  _“Jarvis!”_

Tony hadn't slept at all during the night. He'd laid there, too afraid to move, desperately whispering for JARVIS to help him, but the AI had remained silent.

Tony froze as Loki stirred beside him. He stretched slightly, then yawned, and finally opened his eyes.

“Morning, darling,” Loki said, as he sat up in bed. “Did you sleep well?”

Tony swallowed, and kept the sheets pulled up to his nose.

Loki turned, and asked, “Are you all right, dear?”

“I'm fine,” Tony whispered, and then he flinched as Loki reached out and held the back of his hand to his forehead.

“Are you sure you aren't unwell?” Loki asked. “You're awfully quiet.”

“Seriously, I'm fine,” Tony said through the sheet.

Loki leaned over and planted a kiss on the top of Tony's head, then climbed off the bed, and with a smile he said, “I'm sure it's nothing a hearty breakfast won't fix. You have a nice shower, and I'll see you downstairs soon.”

Tony jumped as Loki patted the top sheet, and then breathed a sigh of relief when he vanished.

  
*

  
“Why didn't you save me?” Tony shouted, as he pushed Steve in the shoulder.

Steve blinked up at Tony, and said, “From what?”

“Loki!” Tony said. “He was in my room last night!”

“That's impossible. He's still in bed,” Steve said, tapping on the video monitor that showed Loki sound asleep, and Bruce sat across the room from him, typing on a laptop.

Tony ripped the door to Loki's room open, starling Bruce, and then he strode over to the bed, where he pulled the covers back; a movement which caused the sleeping Loki to shimmer away.

“What the hell?” Bruce asked. “I've been here since 6am, and he hasn't so much as twitched.”

“Gee, well, I wonder if that might not be a bit of a giveaway that it isn't really _him_ , huh?” Tony shouted. “How many people don't move in their sleep, like _ever?_ ”

“And he was in your room?” Steve asked.

“Yup,” Tony replied.

“And he was in your _bed?_ ” Steve asked

“He didn't... touch you, did he?” Bruce asked.

“Oh yeah, cos you totally wouldn't have heard me screaming from the _moon_ if he had,” Tony snapped.

“So where is he now?” Steve asked.

“I got the impression he was going to make breakfast, so with any luck he'll be at the local waffle house, getting himself arrested,” Tony said.

“Sir, if I may,” JARVIS suddenly said.

“Oh, so you _are_ online then? Tony snapped. “Why were you ignoring me when I was asking for help _all night?_ ”

“I apologise, Sir, but I simply wasn't aware of the danger,” JARVIS replied.

“Wait, so Loki can _hide_ what he's doing from you?” Tony asked.

“It appears he can, sir, although at the moment Loki is in the kitchen, so the effect may only be transitory,” JARVIS said.

“Is he alone?” Steve asked.

“No, Captain,” JARVIS replied. “It appears that Agent Barton is there with him.”

“Shit!” Tony exclaimed. “We better get down there before either we're short one archer, or Thor becomes an only child.”

  
*

  
“There you are, darling,” Loki exclaimed, as Tony walked into the kitchen, followed by Bruce and Steve. “Take a seat. Breakfast is almost ready.”

“Yeah, not sure I'm that hungry,” Tony said, as he took in the sight of Loki dressed in a frilly apron, cheerfully flipping pancakes.

“Is it true he spent last night in your bed?” Clint asked Tony, as he toyed with the six inch carving knife he held so tightly that his knuckles were turning white.

All eyes turned to Loki as he dragged the pan off the burner with a metallic screech. He wiped his hands on his apron, then turned to Tony and said, “I think it's time for the talk we've been dreading.”

“The what?” Clint asked, as he defensively drew the knife towards himself.

Loki moved across the kitchen, pulled out a chair, sat down opposite Clint, and said, “When a Mummy and Daddy love each other very much th-”

“Oh hell _no!_ ” Clint interrupted.

“My child, it is perfectly normal at your age to be embarrassed by such talk, but it's part of becoming an adult, and you want to be a big boy, don't you?” Loki asked.

“Holy shit _ttt_. What is happening?” Tony said.

“So you see,” Loki continued, “Sometimes Mummys and Daddys need their special alone time together so th-”

“Nope. Nope. _Nope!_ ” Clint said, as he threw the knife down on the table, and brought his hands up to his ears. He stood up from the chair and walked to the door saying, “Can't hear you. _Can't hear you!_ ”

Loki looked up and Tony, and said, “Well, perhaps he is too young to deal with the birds and the bees after all.”

“Did Thor say how long he would be gone?” Bruce asked.

“He can't get back soon enough as far as I'm concerned,” Tony said, as he looked at the red smear on the front of the dishwasher, then pulled it open, and found Loki's blood encrusted dagger inside.

“So,” Loki announced, as he stood up. “Who would like pancakes?”

  
*

 

It was the huge crash of thunder that alerted Tony to Thor's arrival, and he breathed a sigh of relief because finally he would be able to take his creepy little brother back to Asgard. The relief quickly faded when he saw the look of anger on Thor's face as he entered the living room.

“Stark, I would have words with you!” Thor shouted.

“Whoa, _whoa_ , big guy,” Tony said, as he backed against the wall. “What have I done?”

“You ruined the spell!” Thor shouted. “It is your fault Loki is like this!”

“Er, I seem to remember only saying what you wrote down for me,” Tony said.

“And yet you continued speaking while the spell was still in progress, and it took the next word it understood and added it to the end of the spell.”

“And which word would that be?”

“Humour,” Thor replied. “It is very close in pronunciation to another Vaniir word.”

“And which word would that be?”

“ _Hussmor,_ ” Thor replied. “It means Homemaker,”

“Homemaker?” Tony asked. “As in he thinks were _married?_ ”

“As in he thinks he's your _wife,_ ” Thor replied angrily.

“And how long will it last?” Tony asked.

“Mother wasn't sure. A few weeks at most.” Thor replied.

“ _WEEKS!?!_ ” Tony shrieked. “He's going to be in my bed for _weeks?_ ”

“You bedded my brother while he was under the influence of a spell!?” Thor shouted loudly.

“God, no!” Tony shouted back.

“Stark, where is Loki now?” Thor asked. “We have much we need to discuss.”

“He's in the kitchen, wasting all my groceries,” Tony replied.

  
*

  
“I don't understand how this is a waste,” Thor said, as he picked up a pancake, rolled it, and took a bite, then hummed appreciatively.

“Thor!” Bruce shouted. “That could be poisoned!”

“No, _no,_ ” Thor said, through a mouth of food. “Mother said he would be unable to harm anyone who was present during the spell casting. You are all safe.”

“And you're 100% sure about that?” Steve asked.

“Oh, yes,” Thor said, then he turned to his brother, and said, “Loki? _Loki?_ ”

Loki turned from his stack of pancakes, the still almost dreamy look in his eyes, and asked, “Yes, dear. Do you need me?”

“How do you feel about Steve?” Thor asked, as he pointed to Steve.

Loki observed the Captain for a moment, blinked a few times, then replied, “I think he's a good boy who deserves some pancakes for taking a shower this morning.”

“See,” Thor said, as he took a plate, and started piling a mound of pancakes onto it.

“So, what?” Steve asked. “He thinks we're children?”

“He thinks you're _his_ children,” Thor replied, squeezing syrup onto the pancakes. “His, and Stark's.”

“ _What?_ ” Tony said.

“You were the one who declared him homemaker, so he imprinted on you,” Thor replied. “By the way, you did get _African_ Violet, and not just Violet for the spell, yes?”

“Um, I think so,” Tony said. “What's the difference?”

“Well, African Violet increases Love and harmony in the spell,” Thor replied.

“And _non_ -African Violet?” Tony asked nervously.

“It's an aphrodisiac,” Thor replied with a sly grin.

“JARVIS!,” Tony shouted. “Get me the phone number of that florist, and every picture of Violets, African or otherwise, that you can find!”

  
*

  
“So what's the verdict?” Bruce asked, as Tony hung up the phone.

“They swear it was African Violet,” Tony replied.

“So that's good news.”

“I guess we'll find out tonight,” Tony said.

“Sir,” JARVIS said. “I'm sorry for the interruption, but the presence of The Avengers is requested at an incident.”

“Have you alerted the others?” Tony asked.

“Yes, sir. If you'd like to gather in the Quinjet bay, there will be a briefing from SHIELD on the way,” JARVIS said.

“What are we going to do with Loki?” Bruce asked, as they stepped into the elevator.

“We'll leave him here,” Tony said with a shrug.

“On his own?” Bruce asked. “Without any guards?”

“Yeah,” Tony replied, as they stepped out into the Quinjet hanger. “With any luck he'll be gone when we get back.”

“Any idea what's going on?” Steve asked.

“We're getting a briefing on the way,” Tony said, as they walked up the back ramp of the jet. “Probably yet another rogue Scientist.”

“We all here?” Clint asked from the cockpit.

“Just waiting on Thor,” Natasha replied. “Oh, here he is.”

“What took you so long?” Steve asked, as Thor strode up the ramp.

“I was waiting for Loki to finish,” Thor replied, as he sat in one of the seats, and started strapping himself in for the journey.

“He isn't coming with us,” Tony said quickly.

“No, no,” Thor replied. “He is too busy right now to fight.”

“Wait, _wait!_ ” Loki shouted, as he appeared at the foot of the ramp, with an armful of brown paper bags. “I made packed lunches for you all. You never know what time you'll be home, and I don't want my little lambs to go without.”


	3. Chapter 3

“It's too hot,” Tony complained when the Avengers arrived back at the tower after defeating a rogue scientist who had made the trees in Central Park come to life.

“I know,” Natasha replied, as she fanned herself. “I just wish this heatwave would end.”

“I thought you were a billionaire,” Clint said, as he dug though the freezer.

“I am,” Tony replied, as he peeled off the T shirt that was stuck to his sweat soaked body.

“So where's the ice cream?” Clint asked. “You would think a billionaire would at least have ice cream.”

Tony shrugged his shoulders, and said, “I'm boycotting ice cream until Ben & Jerry's name a flavour after me.”

There was a flash of green light and Loki appeared in the room. “Are you too hot, my darlings?”

“Oh shit!” Clint said, as he backed into a corner. “I'd kinda wiped it from my memory that he was here.”

“Would you like me to make some ice cream for you?” Loki asked.

“I am not eating anything he makes,” Natasha said.

Thor entered the room, and said, “How many times must I tell you that Loki cannot harm us while he is under the influence of the spell?”

The Avengers watched as Loki tipped milk, cream, and a few flavourings into a dish, and as he whipped it the hand he held the bowl in turned blue.

“Okay _yyyy_ ,” Tony said. “Am I having hallucinations from the heat stroke or is Loki turning into a smurf?”

“It's just his natural Jotun form,” Thor said casually.

“Jotun?” Natasha asked.

“Loki isn't an Asgardian,” Thor replied. “He's a Frost Giant.”

“So, who would like ice cream?” Loki asked.

“Did he really just make ice cream?” Tony asked.

“I'm not eating that,” Clint said.

“You really must have more care,” Thor said. “My mother told me that if we disrupt the perception the spell has created for Loki, and reject his mothering, it could have disastrous consequences.”

“If it's disastrous consequences for _him_ I'm willing to take that chance,” Clint said, then he walked over to Loki, and said, “I'm not eating anything you make. I know it's poisoned, and I can't wait for this spell to break so I can kick your ass and you'll actually _know_ about it.”

“That's not a good idea,” Thor said, as he sat down and propped his feet on a chair.

Loki blinked rapidly, dropped the bowl, then looked down. He ran his hands over his frilly apron, and quietly asked, “What am I wearing?”

“Uh _oh_ ,” Tony said, taking a step back.

Loki suddenly looked up, his eyes clear of the oddly blank look for the first time since he arrived. He grabbed Clint viciously by the neck, and shouted, “What have you done to me!?”

“Loki, brother, no!” Thor shouted as he jumped out of his chair.

“What have you _done_ to me?” Loki shouted again as a dagger appeared in his hand.

Clint writhed in Loki's grip, choking for breath.

Thor picked up a carving knife from the block and swiftly ran the blade over his thumb, then held his hand in front of Loki's face, and said, “Loki, I'm injured.”

Loki blinked, his eyes glazing over, then he dropped his dagger, and Clint, then said, “Oh no, come here and let me take care of that for you, darling.”

“He's crazy!” Clint spluttered, running his hand over his bruised throat.

“We need to let Fury know about this so he can be locked up somewhere safe,” Natasha said, putting her hand on Clint's back.

“I warned you not to break the spell,” Thor said, as Loki applied a band-aid to his thumb. “I told you all it would have disastrous consequences, but you did not listen.”

“There, all taken care of,” Loki said, as he patted Thor's hand, and gave him a soft smile.

“Thank you, Loki,” Thor said, as he gently placed his hand on his brother's arm. “You are doing an excellent job of taking care of your family.”

“Thank you, my child,” Loki said, then his eyes drifted down to the bowl on the floor. “Oh would you look at this mess. I'll just clean this up, then I'll make you all some more ice cream.”

“So _ooo_ ,” Tony said, as he watched Loki clean the spilled the ice cream. “We've got weeks of this?”

“Aye,” Thor replied. “But as long as we don't disrupt the spell, all should be well. Eventually it will wear off, and at that point Loki will likely run. If we just allow him to continue no harm will come to any of us.”

“Yeah, that's easy for you to say,” Tony said. “It's not _your_ bed he's going to be sleeping in.”

  
*

  
Tony laid stiffly in the bed, the sheets pulled up to his chin in a white knuckle grip, and started to wonder what would happen what Pepper got back and found Loki sleeping in his bed.

He glanced to his left, looking at Loki in the low light, who was sleeping peacefully, in what could only be described as a Victorian nightdress. Tony hadn't known whether to laugh or cry when Loki walked into the room in the floor length, high necked, white gown. It was cry. It was definitely cry...

“I'll sleep well tonight,” Loki had said, as he looked in the mirror, and started applying a thin layer of Pepper's expensive face cream. “It's been a terribly busy day.”

Yup, Pepper was going to kill him when she got back, but that was tomorrow, or was it today?

The door opened, letting light pour in from the corridor, as Pepper tip toed into the bedroom, and closed the door quietly behind her. Oh yeah, it was today.

“ _Pepper..._ ” Tony whispered, as she quietly slipped off her shoes and opened the wardrobe.

“ _Pepper!_ ” he whispered again.

Finally she turned, dropped the silky nightdress, and opened her mouth.

“Don't scream!” Tony whispered as loudly as he dared.

“Oh my _god!_ ” Pepper said quietly. “Is that _Loki?_ ”

“I know this looks really, _really_ bad,” Tony said, pulling the sheet down from his face, “but look at it from my perspective.”

“ _Your_ perspective?” Pepper hissed. “You're in bed with a super villain!”

“Exactly!" Tony whispered in reply. “You think I wanted to be in bed with _HIM?_ ”

“I don't know,” she whispered. “You look pretty comfortable to me!”

“Pep, honey,” Tony said, “Will you please lower your voice. I'm a little worried he might kill me if he wakes up and finds you here.”

Loki let out a small moan, then turned over sleepily, and asked, “Tony darling, what's happening.”

“You've done it now,” Tony said.

“Oh, _I've_ done it?” Pepper shrieked.

“Who is this woman?” Loki asked. “Why is she in our bedroom?”

“That's Pepper,” Tony said. “She... works for me.”

“I _work_ for you?” Pepper shouted.

“I'm sorry, honey,” Tony said to Pepper.

“What?” Loki asked.

“I'm sorry, honey,” Tony said to Loki.

“You better have a damn good explanation for this!” Pepper shouted as she grabbed her jacket, and stormed out of the room.

“Well, that was a little rude,” Loki said, then yawned.

“She's just stressed. Big project at work,” Tony said, as he slipped out of the bed. “You go back to sleep and I'll go sort it out.”

“Hurry back,” Loki replied, with a sleepy smile, then he patted Tony's side of the bed. “It won't stay warm for long, much like a Midgardian body after death.”

Tony laughed nervously, and said, “I'll be right back.”

  
*

  
So with Pepper brought up to speed on the whole 'Loki thinks he's my wife' situation, she agreed, for the good of humanity, to go along with the plan of letting Loki believe his delusion, and moved into one of the spare suites, slamming the door loudly behind her.

Things were pretty normal around the tower for the most part, except for whenever someone inadvertently upset Loki, which happened pretty often to be honest.

The second Sunday after his grand arrival Loki had made what Thor declared a 'magnificent feast' for everyone, and when Natasha had questioned whether it was safe, Loki had snapped out of the spell and threatened everyone with a mechanical carving knife, until Steve 'accidentally' burnt himself on a hot dish and allowed Loki to hold it under cold water, then kiss it better.

And then there was the night when Loki hadn't come to bed, and Tony got suspicious, so went looking for him. He found him waiting in the living room in the dark, right as Clint arrived back at the tower after a mission for Fury.

“Clinton Francis Barton!” Loki shouted, as Clint tried to tip toe past the door and towards his bedroom. “What time do you call this?”

Yeah, for a super spy Clint really wasn't that good at sneaking around.

Living with a spellbound Loki did actually have some advantages, although Tony would have been loath to admit it.

Every time they left to battle to latest idiotic villain they always came back to a nice home cooked meal waiting for them on the table, and Tony had to admit the garbage disposal always looked clean.

Plus in the middle of a heatwave sleeping in the same bed as someone who was a few degrees cooler than the surrounding environment really did prove to be quite the bonus, and Tony found he was the only one in the tower who was actually sleeping through the night.

And then there was another night when Tony couldn't find Loki, and had found Steve lurking in the corridor.

“Have you seen Loki?” Tony asked.

“He's in Clint's room,” Steve said, holding his ear up to the wall. “Jarvis would tell us if he was doing anything bad, right?”

“Absolutely,” Tony said. “If Loki let him see it.”

“What?” Steve asked.

“I'll go look,” Tony said. “He probably won't object to me butting in since Clint is one of our kids.”

 _“What?”_ Steve asked.

Tony opened the door quietly, and found Clint laid in bed with the sheets pulled up to his chin, his knuckles white as snow, as Loki sat perched on a stool next to his bed.

“Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.” Loki read from the book he held in his hands.

Clint mouthed the words, _“Help me.”_

Tony closed the door, turned to Steve, and said, “He's fine.”

  
And the best thing was when Tony was woken at 5am by an alarm blaring through the tower that abruptly turned off a few seconds later, and asked, “JARVIS, what the hell was that?”

“It was the alarm, sir,” JARVIS replied.

“Malfunction?” Tony asked.

“No, sir. Invasion.”

Tony was out of the bed and running his hands over the floor looking for the trousers he had discarded in a drunken stupor the night before, and said, “Prep the suit. Wake everyone up. What levels are they on?”

“There is no need, sir. The threat has already been dealt with,” JARVIS replied.

Tony ran through the tower to the living room, and arrived at the same time as Thor, where they found Loki stood over a pile of bloody corpses, with two dripping daggers in his hands.

“Brother, are you injured?” Thor asked, but Loki stood motionless, his rapid breaths the only sound in the room. He edged closer, and asked, “Loki, are you well?”

“No,” Loki panted out. “Look at all this mess.”

“What?” Thor asked, as he looked at the smouldering heaps of flesh that were probably living beings just a few minutes before.

“I spent two hours tidying this room today and look at it,” Loki said, as he dropped his daggers. “I'll need to tidy it _again!_ ”

And that was how Loki defeated an entire alien invasion, alone, at 5am, because he was house-proud and pissed off.

After that the rest of the team were... well, not exactly welcoming, but they agreed it was quite cool to have their own super villain guard dog looking after the tower while they slept.

They'd held a meeting after the attack, and Tony had been the first to defend Loki.

“I think he's pretty useful,” Tony said, as he put his feet on Loki's lap.

“Yeah, you would,” Clint said, as he watched Loki humming happily, as he massaged Tony's feet

“Have care that you do not take advantage of my brother's state of mind, Stark,” Thor said lowly.

“As if I would,” Tony said, with mock offence in his voice, then he shifted his feet, and said, “Oh yeah, baby, right there. That's the spot.”

 

And then finally it all came to a head one day when Tony and Loki stood in the living room of the tower, and Loki asked for a hug.

“I just want a hug,” Loki said. “You never show me any care, and it's making me feel terribly sad. Anyone would think you didn't love me.”

“Ah _hhhh_ I think not,” Tony said, trying to back away.

“But we're married,” Loki said, as he threw his arms around Tony's shoulders and pulled him closer. “Why do you constantly reject my affections?”

“I'm just... not a very huggy kinda guy,” Tony said, and then instantly regretted it when he saw the look in Loki's eyes change.

“What am I doing here?” Loki asked angrily. “What have you done to me, Stark!”

“Oh shit!” Tony said, and then he did the only thing he could think of that would re-engage the spell. Tony pulled Loki in close and kissed him as passionately as he could.

There was tongues. There was sparks in the air. There was Tony bending Loki over like he was a god damn heroine on the cover of a tacky romance novel, and there was Pepper walking into the room at exactly the wrong moment...

“Tony!” Pepper shrieked.

“Pepper!” Tony shouted, still holding Loki in his arms. “I _swear_ it's not what it looks like.”

“Oh, really? I could have sworn you just had your tongue down his throat,” Pepper said. “I am literally done with this. I'm moving into a hotel, and you can call me when this is over.”

“Pepper!” Tony shouted after her, but she ignored him and walked out of the room.

“God dammit!” Tony said, and then he looked at Loki, who was still watching the corridor Pepper had left, and noticed the expression on his face.

“Are you _grinning?_ ” Tony asked.

Loki looked at Tony, a momentarily look of shock crossed his face, and then settled back into the same blank stare.

“Oh my _god!_ ” Tony said loudly as he pushed Loki away. “Are you _faking_ this?”

Loki turned his back on Tony, and said, “I don't know what you're talking about, darling.”

“You do realise you're stood in front of a six foot glass window, and I can see that you're laughing in the reflection, right?” Tony pointed out.

Loki let out a small snort, as his shoulders moved slightly, then he turned round and said, “Surprise!”

“Son of a bitch!” Tony said. “You've been in my bed every single night for the last three weeks, and the spell didn't even work, did it?”

Loki let out a snort of derision. “I felt the pull of the spell, and decided to follow it to see what would happen. I couldn't believe my luck when I arrived here and found who was attempting to summon me.”

“So the spell didn't control you?”

“Really, Stark?” Loki asked with a grin. “Do you honestly think that between you and Thor you could concoct a spell to control _me?_ ”

“So you've been faking it this whole time?” Tony asked.

Loki let out a chuckle, and replied, “I've been feeling you quake in terror beside me every single night. It was simply too good an opportunity to let slip away.”

“I can't believe it,” Tony muttered, as he threw his hands in the air and walked away.

“Plus you all live like slobs. I'm amazed you haven't got a rat infestation,” Loki said. “I've lost count of the number of times I had to unclog the waste eating unit in the kitchen because it was filled with coffee grounds.”

“Yeah, I got sick of telling them about that,” Tony replied.

“Well, it's all been rather good fun, hasn't it?” Loki said, with a devilish grin.

“Maybe for you,” Tony said. “But the jig is up. All I have to do is sound the alarm and it's game over for you.”

“Are you sure you want to do that?” Loki asked.

“Are you _threatening_ me?” Tony asked.

“No, Stark, I'm offering you an opportunity,” Loki replied. “You can rat me out to your little friends, or you can join me.”

Tony stood with his mouth open for a second, then asked, “Why on _earth_ would I join you?”

“Because later today I'm going to attempt to put a nappy on agent Barton,” Loki replied, with a mischievous grin. “I believe they are called diapers here, and I doubt you'd want to miss that.”

“A diaper? On Clint?” Tony asked. “ _Seriously?_ ”

“Oh yes,” Loki replied.

Tony laughed, and said, “Oh now that I _have_ to see.”

“I thought as much,” Loki said.

“Can I take photos?” Tony asked.

“You know, that's an _excellent_ idea,” Loki replied. “All Midgardian families seem to have photo albums filled with embarrassing pictures of their children, so I insist that we start to create one too.”

“Can I tell Pepper?” Tony asked excitedly. “She'll be less worried about the whole sleeping in my bed thing if we let her in on the joke.”

“Only if she's as good at keeping secrets as Thor,” Loki replied.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, _wait!_ ” Tony said, holding out his hand. “Thor _knows_ the spell didn't work?”

“Oh yes,” Loki replied.

“Since when?”

“Almost immediately after he got back from Asgard and discovered me poisoning all those packed lunches I made.”

“You've been poisoning us!” Tony shouted.

“Oh, no, _no_ ,” Loki said. “Thor talked me out of that, and suggested something else instead. It seemed a lot more amusing than watching you all bleed from the eyes, so I agreed to his new plan.”

“And what was that plan?” Tony asked.

“The diaper was Thor's idea,” Loki replied with a grin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has read this fic! I very much appreciate the lovely comments :-)


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